christmas cracker jokes

French Snail wins lottery in New York then buys up all the yellow cabs and has them painted with an S on the side, when asked why they did it they said" I just wanted to see all those 'Escargot'".

ouch it was an iron bar....three lots or tarmac at a bar arguing who is the toughest B road pipes up i'm tougher than anyone as i go all over small lanes around the country...nonsense says the A road i carry more volume of traffic daily i am tougher...dont be silly says the motorway i am the arteries of this land running the length and breadth of the country with heavier vehicles....just then some blue tarmac rolls into the bar everything goes quiet...why dont you ask him if he's tougher says the barman....dont be stupid said the other three we are not arguing with him..whys that then? because he's a cyclepath !! boom boom i'm here all week lol

Took the mother-in-law out last night. Loving my new sniper rifle.

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

they put the willys up each other!

Man in Doc's surgery: 'Doctor Doctor, I can't help but feel small'……..
Doctor: 'Just sit down and be a little patient.'

Man comes home from work said to the wife
"The lads at work were talkin about this new sex position its call the wheel barrow do you want to give it a try ?,"
"Hows it work then "seys she ,
"You lay face down on the floor and i lift your legs and we.do it that way "
"Oh no dont think I'd like that very much "
"Course you will ,come on give it a bash "
She hesitantly agreed "ok but you have to promise me one thing ,
"Whats that then ?" he said already half undresed,
She said "you have to promise me we wont go past my mothers house "

I've been out all week Christmas shoppingshopping for a pair of camouflage trousers............................I cant find none anywhere...!!!!

charles will never be king, imagine the size of the stamps, the coins would have to have handles on them !!!!

What do you call a gay eskimo.......Snowblower

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine, and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

I was asked t take over a football club in Sheffield but I had to turn it down as I couldn't manage Wednesday!

Doctor to man after an operation "well i've got god news and bad news which do you want first "?
Man "il have the bad news first "
Doctor "well im not sure how but we appear to have amputated the wrong leg "
Man "oh my god ,whats the good news ?"
Doctor "the bad one's getting better "

!!!

7 million for Harry arter Mr Howe?

What do you do if you find a spaceman? Park in it man!

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?”
"One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger stands in the pouring down rain.
"Can you give me a push?" he asks.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just some bloke wanting a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."
"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!"

Bobby Madley walks over!