christmas cracker jokes

Seasons greetings my fellow hammers just wanted to have a bit of a laugh so thought I would put this topic up......it does not have to be a daft joke and can be something that you just find funny and want to share so here goes
https://youtu.be/fMohK3w9slE

now that's what you call a party lol

nevillenixon's picture

French Snail wins lottery in New York then buys up all the yellow cabs and has them painted with an S on the side, when asked why they did it they said" I just wanted to see all those 'Escargot'".

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mcbikeman's picture

ouch it was an iron bar....three lots or tarmac at a bar arguing who is the toughest B road pipes up i'm tougher than anyone as i go all over small lanes around the country...nonsense says the A road i carry more volume of traffic daily i am tougher...dont be silly says the motorway i am the arteries of this land running the length and breadth of the country with heavier vehicles....just then some blue tarmac rolls into the bar everything goes quiet...why dont you ask him if he's tougher says the barman....dont be stupid said the other three we are not arguing with him..whys that then? because he's a cyclepath !! boom boom i'm here all week lol

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moore 6 legend's picture

Took the mother-in-law out last night. Loving my new sniper rifle.

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

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mcbikeman's picture

they put the willys up each other!

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52 users have voted.

Saw two fighting over a man hole...

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moore 6 legend's picture

Elton john has called Conor McGregor out for a UFC fight,people are saying don't be silly Elton you don't need the money,i know he said but I will enjoy being battered round the ring..

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46 users have voted.
hammergirl's picture

who is santa claus married to? mary Christmas:-) santa goes to see a shrink whats the problem santa ? I am scared of getting stuck down a chimney whats wrong with me dr....simple santa you are suffering from claustrophobia:-)

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34 users have voted.
Dicks is the man's picture

Man in Doc's surgery: 'Doctor Doctor, I can't help but feel small'……..
Doctor: 'Just sit down and be a little patient.'

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hammergirl's picture

same as the man who goes to the dr and says I feel like a pair of curtains pull yourself together man the dr said

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Burkie 1's picture

Man comes home from work said to the wife
"The lads at work were talkin about this new sex position its call the wheel barrow do you want to give it a try ?,"
"Hows it work then "seys she ,
"You lay face down on the floor and i lift your legs and we.do it that way "
"Oh no dont think I'd like that very much "
"Course you will ,come on give it a bash "
She hesitantly agreed "ok but you have to promise me one thing ,
"Whats that then ?" he said already half undresed,
She said "you have to promise me we wont go past my mothers house "

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48 users have voted.

Burkie 1

boogerscaravan's picture

I've been out all week Christmas shoppingshopping for a pair of camouflage trousers............................I cant find none anywhere...!!!!

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39 users have voted.

charles will never be king, imagine the size of the stamps, the coins would have to have handles on them !!!!

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50 users have voted.
moore 6 legend's picture

What do you call a gay eskimo.......Snowblower

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40 users have voted.
moore 6 legend's picture

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray

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44 users have voted.
moore 6 legend's picture

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine, and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

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57 users have voted.

Some good uns there mate

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30 users have voted.
plaistow-man's picture

I was asked t take over a football club in Sheffield but I had to turn it down as I couldn't manage Wednesday!

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47 users have voted.
Burkie 1's picture

Doctor to man after an operation "well i've got god news and bad news which do you want first "?
Man "il have the bad news first "
Doctor "well im not sure how but we appear to have amputated the wrong leg "
Man "oh my god ,whats the good news ?"
Doctor "the bad one's getting better "

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43 users have voted.

Burkie 1

mcbikeman's picture

!!!

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42 users have voted.

7 million for Harry arter Mr Howe?

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36 users have voted.

What do you do if you find a spaceman? Park in it man!

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mcbikeman's picture

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?”
"One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even

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38 users have voted.

What do you call a row of people wanting a haircut? A barber que

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43 users have voted.
moore 6 legend's picture

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger stands in the pouring down rain.
"Can you give me a push?" he asks.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just some bloke wanting a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."
"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!"

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38 users have voted.
mcbikeman's picture

Bobby Madley walks over!

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32 users have voted.

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