West Ham Fans

What have Stamford Bridge and space got in common? Loads of stars and no atmosphere

I used to think i was trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shitt."

Its obvious God is a man, if he had been a woman then cum would taste like chocolate

Funniest thing I`ve heard. . . A footy pundit was doing the old half time analysis for the first leg of the Chel$ki C/L last week & said, "My wife was hoovering last week & accidently knocked the telly with the hoover. . . & Drogba fell over!!! LMFAO

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how they decided which patients should be kept in, the director said "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bath" "Oh" said the visitor, "I see, a sane person would use a bucket because it`s the biggest" "No" says the director, "A sane person would pull the F8cking plug out!!! Would you like a bed near a window???"

A man goes to the doctor and say's " I have doing the wife every night now for the last ten years and she is getting a bit loose. Can you tighten her up a bit? " Doctor say's " Have you tried other hole? " the man replies "WHAT, and risk getting her F***ING PREGNANT? " HA HA HA!!!

David Blaine's record of over 48 hours doing nothing in a box has been broken by Dean Ashton. Joohn Arne Riise was stopped on the motorway last night, apparently he was heading in the wrong direction!

a guy pulls up in a disabled parking bay ,as he about to get out of his car a parking attendant approaches and ask's "excuse me sir but would you mind telling me exactly what your disability is"to which the guy replies "tourettes f8ck off".

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A man goes into Heathrow Airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight home to be called. All around him there are overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers lying on the floor. "Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew. "Oh yeah", he replies "Bloody hopeless .... we had the Tottenham players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".

Q: What do you get when you cross a S***s Fan with a pig? A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.

Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Tottenham fan." So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break: 1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded." 4th surgeon says "I prefer Chelsea fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arse's are interchangeable."

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "But what about the smell?" she said "Just hold its little nose." he replied

Mad Mary was speeding around the asylum on her wheel chair as usual when Mad joe jumps out @ her, he asks for her license, "Shit" she say`s, & speeds off, around the next corner crazy Jim stops her & ask`s for insurance, "F8ck" she say`s, & takes off @ speed!!! around the next corner she meets Big john, with a massive hard-on, Mad Mary says, "Oh No, Not the breatherliser again!!!"

Paddy goes into Superdrugs & asks the assistant for KY Jelly, the assistant says "No we don`t, have you tried Boots?" To which Paddy replies, "I want to slide in, Not F8cking March In!!!"

Paddy`s has just got his second question right on "Who Want`s To Be A Millionaire" & is now up to £200, "Here is the third question" says Chris Tarrant, "Who was the great train robber? was it Ronnie Biggs, Ronnie Barker or Ronnie Parker?" Paddy say`s "Well Chris, I`ve had a lovely day & I`m just going to take my £200" "Are you F8cking Stupid? You still have all your life lines left!!!" Paddy say`s "I may be F8cking stupid Chris, But I`m no F8cking Grass!!!"

Collins who publishes the maps of the world books, have had to update the 2008/9 edition of THE MAP OF THE WORLD. They told the BBC that the North Pole is still at the top The South pole is still at the bottom and every other F***ing Pole is in the UK.

Alan Curbishley.

3 kids in classroom, teacher asks Amy what do cows say? Moo says Amy..... Teacher asks Tom what do sheep say? Baa says Tom...Teacher then asks leroy what do pigs say..Freeze muthafucker, get on the floor, put your hands behind your back and dont f*cking move

after his failed marriage Paul McCartney was asked if he'd ever go down on one knee again..He said i'd prefer it if you called her Heather!!!

Paddy is walking along the beach when he stubbs his toe on a bit of metal in the sand. After he curses he picks the metal piece up and see's it a genii lamp. He rubs it clean and 3 genii's appear. Paddy ask's for 3 wish's and after a puff of blue smoke and bright lights, he wakes up in a large bed with a room full of 50 blond beauts. knackerd he walks to the bathroom to freshen up when he notices that he's in a BIG mansion carpeted with $100 bills. Theres a knock on the door Paddy opens it and there's 3 Klu Klux Klan guys there who grab him. They put a loose round his neck and hang him to the tree on the front lawn. After taking there hoods off the 3 genii's walked away puzzeld. One of the genii said " that was a strange request ?. I can understand paddy wanting to make love with 50 beautiful women. also wanting to be MEGA rich, But being hung like a blackman" ?????.

A Yorkshireman walks past a new pub & see`s a sign in the window saying "Pies 50p, Wanks 10p" He couldn`t believe his luck!!! He goes in & see`s a stunning blonde barmaid & ask`s her, "Are you the one who gives the wanks?" "Yes" She replies with a smile, "Well" He says "Go & wash ya f8cking hands, I want me a pie!!!" ;)

Sometimes when you cry, no one see`s your tears. . . When you`re worried, no one see`s your pain. . . When you`re happy, no one see`s your smile. . . But you try farting & see the F8cking attention you get!!! ;)

OK, now I hesitate to do this but I heard this joke last night and it is undoubtedly one of the worst taste jokes EVER but...well, no, I can't do it. Not unless you lot sign an armnistice on the racist thing because, well it is racist, no question. But it is a joke...

I know this is not the funniest thing, but to me its the most hilarious thing ever . . . Right, I was in school on Tuesday for French boosters, and we (me and my mate) went to McDonalds for lunch, we come back and see this lil doggie walking around the school corridor, my mate instantly assumes its a homeless dog who walked into school, right at the moment, The deputy head walked along, and my friend said to him, "Whats a homeless dog doing in school?" he turned around and shot a look that would make her push up daisies "The dogs mine, and at least she does what shes told . . .shes called Bluebelle" Well I ran back to French in fits of laughter leaving her to push up daisies by herself, I don't wanna be expelliarumused (Again another joke)

Robert De Niro is to star in a film biopic about Harold Shipman...working title is 'The Old Dear Hunter'

Paul Gasgoine has been sectioned under the mental health act and sent to the instute for retards with no chance of ever returning to normal.... "we are glad to have him back" replies a Tottenham hotspur spokesman when questioned on the situation. Jack B whufc

Farmer's wife says to her husband "did you know a bull can have sex 3000 times a year? Why can't you?" Farmer replies "Ask the bull if if has to shag the same fat cow as I do all the time!"

jack & Jill Just got married, Jack takes off his trousers & say`s to Jill,"Try these on" Jill said, "They wont fit me, they`re too big" "Exactly!" Said Jack, "I wear the trousers around here, & ALWAYS will do!" So Jill says, "Why don`t you try my knickers on?" Jack said, "I`ll never get in them!" "EXACTLY!"Said Jill, "& if you don`t change your Fuking attitude you never will!!!" ;)

Ikea are now marketing the worlds first "lesbian bed" no screwing or banging its all tongue n groove!